2 Failed IVF Cycles — Now What?
I WANT to have a baby…
Isn’t it funny how at one point in your life your fighting for something and another chapter in your life you are fighting on the other side?
…and I don’t want to wait anymore.
I am a gal that believes in miracles, manifestations, astrology, affirmations and feelings. According to my vedic astrology chart I recently moved into my Venus/Moon phase. According to my teacher, this is my time to be a momma.
My friend urged me to get my blood work tested just to make sure all is kosher. So, I grounded myself for a moment and began the reproductive blood tests back in the summer of 2016.
Stats: - Age 36 - Tried naturally for over a year. I mean, if you want to count all the trying, not trying months, we can stay about 2 years. - .46 Super Low AMH (anti mullerian hormone) Level, indicate ovarian reserve — a fancy way of saying the amount of eggs left in your ovaries.
Once I found out my results, of course, I freaked out and committed to fertility acupuncture, fertility yoga, fertility affirmations, and then the research to find fertility doctors. Plus, more blood work and sperm counts and shitty sex, and well here I am.
I told my husband we will visit a fertility doctor at the end of 2017 if we don’t get pregnant.
With two appointments at fertility clinics in our city and not too much confidence in either we scheduled a phone consultation with a doctor in another city who came highly recommended by two of our friends.
And our journey through infertility began…
Stats: - Age 38 - AMH .02
Since I work remotely, I had the opportunity to immerse myself in the two- week journey of my IVF cycle which included, the day and night hormone drugs, every other day of monitoring (ultra-sound), and keeping my mind and body healthy. I really focused on stress-free living through daily yoga/meditations, eating well, fertility acupuncture, and limiting myself to any negativity around me, including the news and social media. (Easier said than done, but I did pretty well).
Also, I read the most amazing book ever, “Spirit Babies.” Cleary, I had all my yogi ducks in a row. Mixing eastern and western medicine is the way to go and this was my time to prove it to myself.
I believe with any decision you make in life you have to be all in. Commit wholeheartedly and then surrender it to the universe and trust. EEEEK! But, am I forcing it? Am I playing GOD? Should I just try eating better, consuming higher quality supplements, higher a fertility coach, an acupuncturist specializing in fertility and wait a few months hoping for a miracle (natural pregnancy)? I have read, heard so many stories of women tweaking their diet, finding out they had some food allergies, etc. and it worked. They got pregnant naturally or had a successful IVF cycle. What about all those stories you hear about parents adopting and then bam they get pregnant around the same time they adopted. My close friend, was literally in another state about to meet her surrogate when she found out she was pregnant.
Here I am…
The first day of monitoring, I headed to the doctor’s office. I felt like I was walking into a yoga class. So, many women around my age were strolling into the elevator up to the 10th floor. But, when you entered you knew it was the farthest thing. Not because it was clearly a doctors waiting room, but the look on every woman’s face. Sad, yet hopeful, anxious and ready. I wanted to hug everyone and start a meditation circle right there in the center of the waiting room.
Unfortunately, I was not able to preach my eastern/western views about my first round of IVF. It didn’t work. We retrieved 8 eggs and got 4 embryos, but they didn’t last long. They never made it to the blastocyst phase (Day 5 or 6).
Oh, if you want to hear my story on where I was when I found out…check out my podcast episode. It could not have been worse.
And of course, I am now sad, pissed, confused, and F*CKIN determined to get pregnant! So, a little over a month later (May 2018) we tried again with a different protocol.
This time we retrieved 6 eggs and got 3 embryos, but the same thing happened. Did not make it to blastocyst.
Now what to do? We are paying for IVF out of pocket. We have heard the stories of, “we tried 3,4, 10 rounds of IVF and got pregnant). We know our options. I have gone down the black holes of forums and blogs which caused me to get more overwhelmed, angry, and depressed.
I’m lost. I’m sad. I’m hopeful.
It’s time to release any set dates and expectations and just trust. I know I will be pregnant, I just don’t how or when.
And right now, I am okay with that. I still believe in miracles.
Feels good to share. With all the emotions from excitement to having a baby to the depression of being infertile, mixed with the countless hours spent reading blogs, trying to stay positive, and figuring out what is best for me, I do feel stronger knowing I am not alone in this journey.
I have been teaching yoga for over ten years and since my fertility journey began I am now focusing on Fertility Yoga. If you are interested in learning more please visit me here.
Also, check out my podcast. I interview fertility experts, spiritual leaders, and soulful solo chats about my own journey to mommahood.